Zesting cheese and walnut whips. It's all getting out of hand.

Nothing's safe at the moment, from the zester

I've got a terrible addiction.  Actually that's not true. I've got several, but there we are.

Some I've already confessed to elsewhere on these pages.  Chocolate for example.  I'm a big girl when it comes to chocolate.  I could eat the stuff everyday (but don't) - on a biscuit, wrapped around a chocolate bar filling or just a solid bar of it.  Don't care.  I worked with someone years ago who did clearly have an addiction to chocolate. She was eating it by the sack and had become a real issue for her, so whilst for me it's just a slobbering desire, we shouldn't forget that for some people, these things take over lives in a most unpleasant way. Eating a whole pack of Penguin biscuits plus a multi pack of Mars Bars nightly is at best, unusual I would have thought.

I was prompted because on the tele last night I saw a piece about a young woman who shifted, I think, because I was only half watching, six litres of cola a day.  She rarely ate anything but said nothing quenched her thirst properly other than cola.  There was some extraordinary statistics in there; eating the weight of a four year old child in sugar over a year or something bizarre. I wish I'd paid more attention. A team of doctors got her off the stuff in the end but she was biting the walls on the way there as she came off it. She now eats three meals a day and - as they say - has a balanced diet. I'm full of admiration for people that manage successfully that kind of struggle.

Sweet childhood memories

So this puts into perspective somewhat my 'desires' rather than addictions. I drink too much tea and coffee, but have never smoked, so in my head (incorrectly) one cancels out the other. Back to chocolate for a minute, I've rediscovered Crunchies; that honeycomb in a choccy coat is just fab.  Well, it is at the moment.  I've had fads.  I favoured Mars Bars but haven't eaten one now for years. Snickers, or Marathons or whatever they're called this week have lost the appeal.  And I do occasionally hanker after my youth.  Whatever happened to Spangles?  Not choc, I know, I'm just meandering. Aztec Bars.  Sherbet Fountains.  They were a yellow paper tube full of the kind of sherbet that once in your mouth turned your lips inside out and made your eyeballs lurch violently backwards inside their sockets.  Inside the tube and hanging out of the top was a stick of fairly acrid black liquorice.  Magnificent, they were. Can't remember the last time I saw one.

My memories are
whipped into shape

For years I questioned the absence of a half walnut in the bottom of a coffee walnut whip.  As a kid I hated the damned walnuts for being too bitter.  Now of course with a shift of palate, I like them. Anyway. I was convinced a semi walnut resided there at the very bottom of the Whip. Chomping one a few years back the Whip was sans walnut. Disappeared.  So anyway the conversation about the 'thin end of the cost-cutting wedge', 'how dare they abandon my childhood with such a dismissive attitude towards nuts', 'no respect for tradition, culture and heritage' rumbled on for months with me going increasingly round the bend.

All for half a damned walnut, I know.  I'd lost it.  The big questions of life were passing me by. Bear in mind this happened years ago, I'm since recovered, but as I said, the big issues of the day such as why was Robson and Jerome in the Top 40 and which vindictive halfwits were responsible for buying the damned records, were not reaching my radar.  It reached such a peak, I had to contact Nestle's/Rowntrees (I think) and demanded an explanation for their damned cheek.  Around a million walnuts are used by the company every week on Walnut Whips and they've been a crucial ingredient since 1910.  So in my eyes a walnut whip without a walnut is falling well short of expectations and fundamentally alters the description. In that scenario it's just a Whip. End of. Unsatisfactory.

Whipped into shape

'What the hell are you playing at woman...!'  I bellowed down the phone to some hapless and admirably polite PR lady on the other end.  You can see I was at the end of my tether, and I'm not proud, let me make that clear.

Turns out there was never a half walnut on the bottom of a coffee walnut whip.  It seems the original vanilla whip did enjoy a half nut on the chocolate base, inside the mallow, and not on the top. As a marketing ploy, a walnut was later added to the top and the nut inside was removed not long after.

My childhood memory had let me down badly and I retreated, embarrassed to lick my wounds and hang my head.

Anyway.  Back to addictions.  Or as I say,'desires' because I suspect the word addiction is a bit strong. I can't stop zesting.  I'm zesting everything.  I've mentioned this before and I thought it was a phase but clearly not.  It's sitting there smirking at me on page 17 of the new Pampered Chef catalogue.  The Microplane Zester.  Quote: one swipe removes the zest and leaves behind the bitter pith. I'll say it does.  No citrus fruit is safe in my house, or nearby supermarket for that matter.  It safely gathers all the fragrant zest effortlessly which just sits, patiently, at the top of the zester, waiting for instructions.  Try as you may, the revolting white pith is nowhere.

The medium round stone

Pampered Chef microplane zester multitasks

I've become adventurous.  Not content with fruits I've moved onto cheese - feta in particular.  At a recent cooking show, I was making a pizza on the round flat stone (medium round flat stone with handles to give its proper name) and I grated or zested some feta cheese on top.  The point being I hardly used any cheese - so healthier - and my little zesting friend was more than able to cope with a cheese as incredibly soft and crumbly as feta.  Small wisps of feta floated down like dessicated coconut.  It was a win.
The snag is of course it's done nothing to ease my appetite for seeing what else I can zest that was never intended for such treatment. And before you even suggest the heels of your feet, you can think again.

Now I've caught a whiff of childhood, I'm off to see if I can buy a pack of Munchies. Or Treets.  I don't hold out much hope though.

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Sweaty? I'm throwing in the towel, Juan.

 

‘I’m sweating like a fat lass in a club…’

Now, I’m not sure where I heard that, I think it might be a Peter Kay line, but I’ll stand corrected. We do like to make jokes to cover up emissions of a personal nature be they from armpits or twixt buttocks.  It’s the former that is taxing me at the moment.

 I’ve been quiet on here for a while mainly because I’m several thousand miles away in Northern Cyprus – the Turkish side.  I also had to miss the PChef annual conference which happens every year in Birmingham for various reasons, so I have no insider gossip on that front to reveal.

This isn’t to say that I am in a non PChef zone right now, because I’m not, as I shall jabber about in a minute.

The temperature here bounces around 40 degrees, give or take. We are staying at a friend’s house equipped with all the usuals – fridge, freezer, blah etc. And this is kit that really has to put its back into it to keep anything from rotting within hours of purchase.  And you want to buy.  As with some many other countries the markets are amazing.  I’ve shifted more fruit and veg in the last few days than within six months at home – water melons the size of unfurnished flats; and water, gallons of the stuff.  But we’ve been coming here for a few years now so we knew – or at least I knew – that bodily functions would be put to the test.

I’ve been cooking. Apparently that’s my job on holiday.  In 40 degree heat.  So here’s one example.  I’m (loosely) cooking a PChef recipe of chicken, chick peas, chorizo (Turkish sausage) pepper, chicken stock , tomatoes etc, all bunged into one pot and served with rice.

Dear Lord.  There are cooler blast furnaces.  The sweat after five mins or so of chopping reached crisis levels and I’d not cooked a damn thing yet. That snake-hipped lad and his kitchen towels – Juan Sheet – or whatever he’s called would  need a pack of rolls never mind one flaming sheet.  In fact I wish he’d been here because I wouldn’t mind slapping his smug little face.  Anyone who can wear trousers like that needs to be treated with caution. As the pathetic kitchen towels available to me dissolved on impact with my forehead I had to engage some serious support.

With the start of cooking in progress, fighting for oxygen and with a T shirt that now looked as though it had been taken out before a fast spin, I went to the bathroom and got a hand towel which I plonked on my head and wrapped around me ala Lawrence of Arabia. To cut a long story short, I managed the meal but needed two such towels to cope with the onslaught of moisty bits. 

Pampered Chef note:  I have been using a selection of knives, pink and green versions, stoneware etc all resident in the island.

‘A bit hot…?’ says my wife after a gruelling shower plus sit down for half an hour with a white wine and soda, as her meal is presented.

I think I mentioned something about never feeling dry at any stage and knowing now what a slug feels like.

‘You need to wipe your face,’ said wife or friend Bridget, I can’t remember, I was hallucinating I think; I’d got locked in the Lawrence zone by this stage  and I think I saw camels in the garden. Either way I plonked down in a chair looking I’d just finished the 100 meters backstroke.

‘I have been wiping my face…I’ve been using the hand towels…done it before’

‘You did WHAT!’

‘I used the hand towels to…’

‘I’VE BEEN DRYING MY HAIR ON THOSE..!’

I won’t go on, you can guess the rest.

Tensions were a little raised before because we’d not long finished a chat on Skype via this very laptop with the middle son who was about to head off to Italy for a couple of days of work.

My wife is very big on sun.  Loves the stuff.  A tan – whilst not an obsession - is a summer must-have in her book.

‘Do I look brown then Tom…?’ she asked eager for confirmation.

‘Yeah, you look like Lennox Lewis’

Now, whether it was son suggesting that his mother closely resembled a boxer or my comment about Fatima Whitbread, or my snort of laughter, I don’t know, but it set a tone for the evening that climaxed in the towel incident.

There are other tales to tell from here, but while I’m on this theme, we went to a market which sold just about anything you’d like from clothes and accessories to dodgy rip-offs.  Tucked away was a small booth-come stall that housed two young girls plus an older woman who was turning out what at first glance appeared to be pancakes or crepes – except they can’t have been. That’s because I watched the older lady roll out a ball of - I have no idea what – with what looked like an inch thick piece of dowel rod.  These now ‘pancake’ sized discs were lightly filled with potato or cheese or meat or aubergine or any combo.  They were folded and lightly rolled again with the filling inside, placed on a hot plate which the girls cooked.  Naturally these, whatever they were, were blisteringly hot and tasted fantastic.

However…on the board behind the girls, written in white chalk, that listed the options of meat, cheese etc., there was a ‘Sweat’ version.  Even in this heat it didn’t take much working out that the poor girls meant ‘Sweet’ and not the more unconventional ‘Sweat’.  Look, I’ll try most things – I like faggots and gravy and I’ve eaten snails, but sweat flavoured ‘pancakes’ are a whole new departure for me and not one I’m keen to explore.

Bridget pointed this out and had to visually explain the error by pointing at her armpits.  An urgent search for chalk and the ‘A’ became’ an ’E’.

Anyway…must dash, more later.  There are some towels to wash, apparently.  Some people are so picky. 

Curry please, make sure it's slim line.

 

This is a tricky one and I'm not sure what I think.  This is what set me off...

'You've used the wrong milk again...how many more times.  It's not my milk!'

My wife is now giving me that look that suggests I will pay a heavy price for this latest lapse in concentration at a time and date to suit her. If you lived in my house, you'd hear that quite a bit.  Sometimes I forget, sometimes - I have to admit - I can't be faffed with swapping endless different sorts of milk about.


I was making two mugs of hot chocolate and 'accidently' used semi skimmed milk in both, instead of one with skimmed milk.  Skimmed is the fluid of choice for my wife. I should make the effort particularly as I am getting seriously fed up with others foisting their food and drink notions on me.

We both used to drink full fat.  I can't remember when we shifted sideways, likewise I can't remember when we both dropped sugar.  To go off track slightly, I used to work for a major organisation that sent a 'nurse' around occasionally for workplace healthcare. Now a colleague of mine, true to his agricultural roots, ate vast quantities of fatty bits washed down with Jersey milk.  I haven't seen Jersey milk for years; not sure if you can still buy it.  It's so fatty it almost stands up by itself.

Anyway, the nurse did all the relevant checks during one of her workplace visits and the test results seemed to suggest my colleague had been dead for several years, it's just that no-one had bothered to tell him. He was off the scale; such was the effect of the milk and all round meaty consumption.  Except of course he was very much alive, in pretty sound health generally and was a little surprised to find out he was dead.

Suffice to say, he didn't change his diet, and is still on his toes.

Fish and chips anyone?

Now, I do try to watch what I consume.  I'm not a great fast-food fan, except fish and chips.  The whole burger thing leaves me apathetic. I do need to lose weight though, but that's more to do with not getting off my backside enough.  I don't drink much alcohol really and I don't smoke: never have done, never tried it in fact, so I've no idea what that's like.  It's my choice.  I like choice.  I choose to like choice.

So I'm starting to get just a tad frustrated by the increasing levels of 'skinny' and 'lite' in the choice put before me. No, not just before me, almost thrust upon me. Before we go further, when did skinny become a gastronomic option? I can't remember.  Skinny. Odd.  If I called someone skinny they'd probably be less than pleased.  Slim, yes, not skinny.  And yet if I want a coffee that isn't skinny I'm looked upon like a social misfit.  Yes I know I'm getting paranoid and a bit silly, but I almost feel like I need to apologise in advance when I place an order.

"Can I have the chicken please...and I'd like the skin left on"
"Left on..?
"And a coffee.."
" Skinny..?"
"Just semi-skimmed, please..."
"So...you'd like skin, but not skinny?"

And off she goes to tell her workmates to treat the bloke on table seven with extreme caution as he's clearly unstable.

It's a tricky one.  We should eat responsibly.  We eat too much fat.  I eat too much fat.  I know I do.  I like cake and chocolate and biscuits.  I like to be able to choose a fatty or a non fatty version: example, I prefer low-fat yoghurt.  I like the choice, I just don't like the feeling that I'm wrong to like a battered sausage once every six months.  But maybe I should?  Maybe I'm the one that's wrong. Maybe choice should not be a choice after all.  Food education is a serious matter not to be trivialised as so many people gain dangerous weight levels.  What we do that will make a major impact, I have no idea. I'm not sure guilt is a great option though as it prompts me to eat another biscuit to take the guilty feelings away.  I do think we haven't seriously tackled the issues of high fat foods sold cheaply or marketing to children.  It all feels a bit token.

Fried?..not fried?

I saw this recipe on the facebook thingy for 'lite' fried chicken.  (I can't tell you how much I loathe the non-word 'lite'...anyway.)  The reason why the 'lite' fried chicken was 'lite' was because it wasn't fried.  So what exactly is the point of calling the damn thing fried?  It was oven baked.  But because we all secretly like fatty fried chicken, we have to call a non-fried chicken fried so we can say we haven't actually eaten fried, fried chicken.   If I want oven baked chicken, let me choose that or let me choose a fried version:  why call something what it isn't? We can't seem to make our minds up with messages mixed all over.

I was in a well-known national pub chain pub last night for a meal after a very long day left me too tired to cook.  Browsing through the range of menus before me I glanced at the drinks and saw - skinny singles.  What?  Example: Vodka and a low carb Monster.  I think after grazing through steak, chips, a fried egg and onion rings, a low carb Monster isn't really going to scratch the surface. However, at least I have the option, and we would criticise them if they didn't make an effort.

This reminds me: a while back we went for an Indian meal in a restaurant after which my wife asked for a gin and tonic, but make sure it's a slim line.  That's after a months supply of curry calories in one sitting. I did raise the issue but...

I suppose there are two main threads to all this. Firstly, I am a grown up, I am incredibly fortunate to live in a country at a time in history when I can choose what I want to eat within reason, so please let me choose.  And please continue giving me that sensible option. Just don't make me feel guilty, it will backfire.  And why do we now pretend to eat what we are not eating? I don't understand and I'm not sure the pretend part is helping with food education.  There is a third thread which is about what manufacturers put in our food to make it low or non fat and yet taste 'fatty' and 'creamy'.  But that's for another day.

Guess what I had to eat today?  A chicken dinner and chocolate fudge cake to follow.  Oh dear. I'll be eating deep fried Mars Bars next and that'll really give me something to feel guilty about.

I'm going to quite open here; I'm not sure what I really think or perhaps more accurately, should think. Maybe we are all so disconnected from food and its production that we need protecting from ourselves. Skinny or not so skinny.  That is the question.

• If you have any thoughts and theories, please feel free to comment. And repost on facebook and twitter as you so please. You can contact me on mikegetscooking on facebook or at mikegetscooking@gmail.com.